Venue
The Summit is held in the tin shed behind the main car park, on account of the marquee budget being redirected to the Grand Laurel's engraving costs. Seating is on whatever was already in the shed. BYO cushion. BYO opinion, you will need it.
Weather policy: the Summit proceeds regardless of weather. The shed's roof is a known quantity and is not our problem to solve today.
Program
| Time | Session |
|---|---|
| 9:00 AM | Registration & Instant Regret
Collect your lanyard, your program, and the creeping sense that you should have stayed home and edited your short instead. |
| 9:30 AM | Welcome to Shed Country
A full Welcome to Country, performed for the shed, by a bloke who found the shed. Running time: forty minutes, on account of the shed's extensive and largely undocumented history. |
| 10:00 AM | Masterclass: How to Squander Your Marketing Budget in Under Six Weeks
See below for the full curriculum. Bring a calculator you are prepared to lose faith in. |
| 11:15 AM | Panel: Submitting to Overseas Festivals You Cannot Pronounce
Three practitioners who have collectively spent more on international entry fees than on post-production discuss why they would absolutely do it again. |
| 12:30 PM | Lunch
BYO. Catering was assessed as a "pointless regional initiative" and defunded accordingly. A hair-twirling circle runs concurrently for anyone still processing the morning's masterclass. |
| 1:30 PM | Workshop: Applying for Regional Initiatives That Solve No Problem Anyone Has
A hands-on session drafting grant applications for screen activity in towns with no cinema, no crew, and, in one case, no confirmed electricity. |
| 2:45 PM | Keynote Address
Delivered by a speaker from a category of the industry nobody attending can confirm the existence of. See Keynote Speakers, below. |
| 3:30 PM | Breakout: Tin Shed Improv — Pretend You Have Distribution
Role-play exercise. Half the room plays "sales agent," the other half plays "sales agent who never replies to email." Swap at the halfway mark. |
| 4:15 PM | Closing Plenary: Where Did The Money Go
A frank, unresolved discussion. No conclusions will be reached. None were reached last year either. |
| 5:00 PM | Networking Drinks
Cash bar, exact change only. Networking is defined loosely as "standing near someone whose film you have not seen." |
Keynote speakers
Dr. Persimmon Vale
Will discuss the death of narrative, the death of the death of narrative, and whether either of those things ever actually happened.
Bazza Thistlewood
Speaking on "Legacy," a topic he is uniquely positioned to discuss, since his is largely undocumented.
Fenella Crock
Presenting a keynote assembled entirely from other people's keynotes, credited generously to "industry consensus."
Trent Ossory-Pham
Will explain why nine-minute films are dead and ninety-second films are also dead, leaving the format he personally works in as the only one still breathing.
Masterclass curricula
How to squander your marketing budget
Spend the entire allocation on a launch party for a film that is not yet finished. Boost social posts exclusively to people who already follow the account. Commission a billboard in a town that does not have a cinema. Whatever remains, spend on business cards for a title that will change twice more before release.
Overseas festival entry fees: a strategic approach
Submit to every festival whose name you cannot confidently pronounce out loud. Budget for the prestige of a laurel nobody at home will recognise. Ensure the currency conversion fee on each entry exceeds the entry fee itself, on principle. Track your rejections in a spreadsheet labelled "Building the Brand."
Pointless regional initiatives
Identify a town with one pub, no accommodation, and a heritage-listed war memorial, and propose to shoot your entire feature there for the location incentive. When asked how the crew will be housed, say "camping" with total confidence. When asked if the town has agreed to this, change the subject to your director's statement.
Pitch Reels: leverage the full potential of a screen nobody will watch
A dynamic and engaging way to showcase your range, genre, and specialist skills — accents, physicality, and "screen presence," a term nobody in the shed can define but everyone will nod at. Suitable whether you already have representation, in which case this reel goes straight to the bottom of their inbox, or you do not, in which case it goes nowhere at all, only faster.
Five hours of specific coaching, calibrated to training needs nobody has actually assessed. Comprises: three one-hour sessions in the studio, which is the shed, covering filming, reading, coaching, editing, and uploading, none of which will fit inside the hour; one hour of editing and cutting together the reel, mostly spent deciding which take best hides the boom mic; and one hour of consultation, cover letter, and introductions to potential, where "potential" is undefined and the introductions are to other people who also did this masterclass. Book here — booking redirects directly to the entry regulations, which is either a technical fault or the entire point.